I just watched this video start to finish. So much to take in and think about.
I don't know when my split happened. I don't know when my eating disorder started. However, I know when it got out of control. I have tried to go backwards in mind time and see if I can recall any episodes of sexual abuse. I can't. I do recall feeling unimportant and unfairly judged. I do recall having my boundaries violated.
My oldest daughter has been doing a great deal of regression work and she suspects that my birth mother was raped as a child and that much of what I feel is the result of that. It's quite possible, but my adopted sister was sexually abused by our uncle. I also have a physical disconnect sexually. I can't feel much.
I'm rarely present physically in any situation--unless I am completely alone. I just don't see myself as the overweight woman I am. If I happen to notice, I immediately disconnect from that image. I have to keep going because the reality of the harm I am doing to myself is unbearable. How dare I. I don't understand the punishment because I detest being judged by others.
This is a core issue for me, being judged unfairly or punished unfairly. This keeps coming up for me. At the doctor's office, at work, in my marriage. I spent a good deal of my day last Saturday crying because I had internalized so much negativity at the ER and at work. I felt like I was crying for every unfair moment of my recent past. I wasn't eating, I was crying.
I'm still noticing these small details. I let them hurt me. Over the last week, even when I felt awful, the idea of having a milkshake kept coming up. I didn't have a milkshake. I knew it was my e.d. voice. I just kept going, but then the crying started. I feel alone, but I am not alone. I asked my husband to comfort me. He doesn't really know how. He makes me feel safe, but he doesn't make me feel heard.
After years of being shocked that I was dating men who had major issues themselves, I chose the best man I could find. Many people would say my husband is a saint. He's a kind, decent man, a wonderful father. Yet, he occasionally feels justified judging me and punishing me emotionally. I chose the boy version of me. I can articulate this to him and it's something we go around and around about, but we don't get anywhere, because this e.d. is selfish, it takes up mind time and checking out keeps me from doing the things that need to be done. He resents my e.d., but he only sees it as me.