Please forgive me for taking so long to respond to your rich, beautiful and oh so valuable post.
Yes, one way of describing e.d. is selfish. It wants what it wants. The challenge is to find out what benefits you get from it. When you get even an inkling of what that might be you have information about where you work needs to be placed.
I hope you are doing to exercises in Healing Your Hungry Heart - daily and repetetively - at least a month per chapter.
Articulating to your husband send your words and thoughts to him. Because you are a kind and decent person you will phrase your communications in as gentle a way as you can. Even if you are hurt and angry you are still probably not venting your full emotional experience.
It's rare for any healthy and civilized person to do so. Holding something in check is how we restrain ourselve from violence and maintain civilization.
But in your journal you can let loose. You don't have to restrain a thing. And once you've written what you had in you to say you can write questions to yourself and answer them.
You might consider writing about that milkshake - the one you wanted and didn't have. Describe it in detail. Write down how you feel as you describe it. Give the milkshake a voice and find out what it has to say. Write down memories and associations you have to the milkshake.
And above all, allow yourself to be surprised. Even if what you are writing seems strange, nonsensical, off the topic, keep going. Later you may find some new insight and some clues to help you on your recovery path.
Mm. I think I'll put this last part in a blog post. Many people need to learn how to do this in their journals.
Thank you for sharing your experience here, Jackie. I'll do my best to respond sooner!