I don't notice my body enough. I don't pay attention to it or treat it with the respect it deserves. Now that I am home on medical leave, I am forced to acknowledge and care for my body.
I am supposed to be resting. Physically, I am. Mentally, I am not. I wanted to set boundaries about work, but the extreme stress is there daily. They announced closings and lay-offs are coming. I keep thinking "eat something, eat something" all day long.
There's nothing that I want to eat here. I eat, but I am not satisfied. My husband keeps saying that he will buy me whatever I want to eat, but there is a part of me that knows that he will edit my list. If I tell him that I want a Greek salad, he will respond by telling me that there is lettuce in the fridge...There's only lettuce.
My body sent me a powerful message this week as a result of the high anxiety I am creating. I'm going to be okay, but I'm feeling angry that the stress exists and I'm wondering how much of it has to do with my inability to let go and my desire to be loved and respected. I'm also afraid. I keep wondering what the real problem is? What's driving these behaviors?
Yes, work is a dysfunctional place. I have no control over the things that cause me to feel insecure. I don't want to feel vulnerable on the inside all the time. I don't have to do this, yet I can't stop it. I can't get the validation that I need from work. I can't get it from my family. I know it has to come from me and it has to be enough. I just haven't figured out how to convince myself that I come first and then follow through on it.
I've been clenching my fists and jaw again when I sleep. I'm having bad dreams. I feel lonely. I try to think about all of the people who love me rather than all of the people who don't. I pray for people who are really suffering and try to adjust my attitude and perspective. It's one moment at a time right now.
Thank goodness I have netflix and thousands of movies to distract me when it gets overwhelming.