Joanna,
is it normal to feel like this recovery process will never really work out?
Is it normal to feel like you are crazy because you do well one day (or for weeks) and then BAM...feel so determined to stop eating. I am so scared to do this. Yes, there have been really good days for me recently. But the past few days have been pretty hard. I feel my clothes getting tighter and it's freaking me out. I look in the mirror and see fat, fat ,fat. I don't like this at all. I feel so stupid that I can't keep my focus going in a positive direction. I mean well. I try so hard. My mind just won't stop turning on me. I feel so confused and angry with myself. I know I write on here way too much, and I plan to slow down some as I feel such a bother. I just don't know what to do to stay on my recovery path...and yes, I am reading HHH, journaling, and working on exercises....sometimes I guess I am my own worst enemy. Sometimes I feel that maybe I am a person that can't be helped. I want to get better, but I don't want to get fat.
Tracy
ps...I seriously plan to stop bothering you so much :)

Tracy...please, please, please, don't ever think that you post so much or that there is something burdensome about using these forums as they were intended, for support! It is a positive sign that you are in a place and strong enough to reach out for the support that you need!

As you know, thesedays I use food to excess rather than restrictively, but I can totally indentify with that "BAM" feeling, where everything's ticking along really nicely and then BAM your ED ways kick back in big time.

What I've found though is that there is usually and underlying reason, but sometimes it's not obvious what it is, and takes a fair bit of fathoming out.

Chin up hun, you are well liked here and offer some really wonderful contributions, that I'm certain are of much help to others, as well as to myself! xx

Hi there Kellyn,
I want to congratulate you on all the progress youve made and support you in your recovery. Let me just also respond to your question of how the weight was gained during recovery. Honestly a big part of any ED is a warped perception. It is hard for us to see clearly who we are when we have these sick ideals imbedded in our minds because of the illness.
As we get older our bodies do change. Im gonna say that Ive been in recovery for about three years now and I wont lie my body is so different, but not in a bad way. My shape has changed, my boobs have grown(silly but true) and I am toned which I never was due to muscle loss. It feels odd at first, I remember feeling uncomfortable, but tht was the ED speaking it wasnt my body that I was uncomfortable with, it was that I was uncomfortable feeling out of control because I was no longer giving into unhealthy habits.
Now a days I am pretty satisfied with my body. I may not be a size zero but I can run a mile like its nothing and I have stamina and an education that I was never able to attain while in ED because I was always sick.
There is more to life than feeling weird about your body. It took a little while, but my body has developed a rhythm after awhile of recovery from unhealthy habbits. There were ups and downs and there still are.
What I am saying dear girl is that you need to keep on keeping on. It seems like you ahve begun to win many battles. Just try and remember how ED is an illness full of lies.
Much support!!

The damage eating disorders cause on the body can be something we have to deal with the rest of our lives. (I have esophogus, digestive problems, chronic dry mouth, and stained teeth - just to name a few.) But the good news is you are getting back to a more healthy way of living and by doing that you will no longer be causing unneccessary damage. Since you are taking the steps to stop now (approx. 3 years in), it's a good chance your body will recover more quickly and avoid some of the more serious long-term side effects. So that is definitely a good thing. Give it time. Rome was not built in a day, right?

Now the best advice I can give and you may think it's trival at this point in your recovery, but it's extremely vital to get yourself interested and focused on other things than your body. Turn your attention outward - there is a whole world out there that could benefit from you and what you have to offer as a person. I know easier said then done, but you can and should do it. Living in an obsessive world of food and body image is far more difficult to experience (and maintain) then getting out there and offering your support to a friend in need or a project needing get be done.

Figure out what interests you and do something in that area - like volunteering, joining a group, attending special events, writing a blog/book, promoting your target interest through fundraising...(endless possibilities). Just get focused on something that brings positive feelings into your heart and takes your mind off of your changing shape. Of course, your body is going to be different then what is was before(when you were sick), but be confident in that being a good thing. That is exactly what you want it to be doing.

The female body has curves. Take Kim Kardashian -beautiful girl, fabulous curvy body, and she's out there doing things and living life. Despite some people's criticism of her lumps and bumps. Who cares what other people think or don't think. Some men love her shape and those who don't love some of other shape - no sweat off her back. Her confidence and self esteem is not dependent on one person's view on her butt. Like my dad always said "Opinions are like azz holes, everybody's got one." LOL

Offering your assistance, gifts/talents, and your intelligence will help you in feeling stronger about who you are and what you have to offer as a person not just a body.

A great book on finding purpose in your life is Victor Frankl's "A Man's Search For Meaning". Powerful book.

Feel free to contact me about brainstorming for ideas on what to do to get focused on life and living it.

Best wishes!!!