Hi Joanna, I resonate with what you are saying :) And interesting point to do these "new things" slowly rather than all at once as we are used to - having to get it right or else?!!! leaning this can also maybe create new routines with the ED behaviors too right? we can learn to be more patient and loving with ourselves and accept new steps.

I love also what you say about getting more into alignment with who we have become...who we are becoming- this is one of my favorite things from Abraham Hicks and it's true- When I feel the negativity in some areas, I recognize yes i am resisting who I have become - am fighting the fear of what is coming up because its new and unfamiliar -
Then I recognize oh hello- i feel negative about this because it's not what i want anymore or in alignment with who I've become!

When you talk about creating space to do the things you really want to do, this is great and I totally get that - the other day when i was journalling i wrote that i felt restricted/ confined, trapped- there is no space ........the space was actually cluttered- inside me - So i wrote down all those things which were thoughts mainly that were hogging my space- then cleared them and tidied up my apartment- and then I had space to do what I really wanted to do- felt so good -

Good luck with your space clearing too!

Janx

I love that Jan :)

Dear Jan, Laura and Tracy,

I'm finding your conversation as I take a break from ploughing through neglected piles of paper and tasks. Fortunately no monsters loomed up. I've taken care of the important things that had a deadline. :)

My challenge is similar to yours. I know what I want,and I have to clear through a mess including things I used to want but don't want anymore.

One way to look at this is in terms of sorting, of discriminating, of making choices based on who we are now.

That means facing the past and saying, you are the past. I'm in the present. Once you do that you can part with what does not relate to your authentic desires now.

And then you (we) have to break our vision down into small steps. And then.... we have to do a little everyday.

So unlike the procedures we follow in an eating disorder. We do it ALL and we do it RIGHT NOW.

Going into a realistic pace for methodically getting what you want to achieve is so different from binging or restricting. We have to tolerate feelings. We have to develop skills. We have to keep promises to ourselves. Andf we have to let go of pretense.

I want more of the writer's life now. To have it I need lots of clear space, organized resources and checklists for must do chores that keep my personal and professional life afloat.

I can't make that happen in a day or week or year.
But it's coming. Part of the process draws on my experience as a gardener. Weeding is a lot like editing. Clearing is a lot like pruning.

Take small steps and journal about what's going on with you. I'm glad to see some of the benefits of journaling are coming to you through writing on this forum. Hooray!

I had a really good day today+ am sure thats because I wrote on here last night and shared my worries- am always writing in my journal and not so good at sharing but just by putting it out there it had a big impact - Maybe making it more global does help! I am a bit isolated where I live with not many friends around and my family are overseas and don't have much contact with them- but think as I recover that other things start to "matter" and I need some additional energy behind those things that matter !! So today I did two major things one for my apartment and one for new course I am starting+ now feeling more empowered - thanks for being with me+ encouraging me to let out my feelings - it really worked!

Janx

Hi Yes I guess it is fear of failing- it's something new which I dont yet have the confidence in myself to make strong decisions on- I get really excited about it, have the energy then I just bail out at the last minute - or I do one thing in each areas- with the clothes, apartment then it just gets left- Laura I agree it would be great to have a supportive friend to come with me to help me decide- The one I have is very supportive but she tends to think it would be better shopping once I have gained a little more weight -My wardrobe currently could be divided into - Doesn't fit, need to courage to wear that, not suitable for the occasion etc- On some level I have difficulty looking nice sometimes - part of me wants too, the other part is am not so good at accepting compliments yet- And when have thought I do look good sometimes, people then announce my goodness you are too thinm you need to put on weight- So right now am hiding behind my clothes again to avoid attention- yet trying to at least stick to things that I like-All new, lots of new right now!! I think baby steps is still the key....one tiny one at a time and celebrate the small changes

Thanks ladies

Jan - I hear you. I recently started having these moments when ED stuff feels like its going smoothly and I look around at what a mess everything else is and how many projects I need/want to do and I feel so overwhelmed I don't do any of it. I am thinking I need to make a list and break it up into lots of baby steps. Regarding clothes shopping - I now bring someone with -- sis, hubby, friend -- and tell them my goal before we get to the store and they help me stay focused and bring me things to try and talk me through the pros and cons of what will go with what.

perhaps we use all of our energy up when we are 100 percent focused and involved in our eating disorder. We don't have time or energy or strength to focus on anything else. We don't care, it doesn't matter. As recovery has started for me I notice that I have anxiety in areas that I previously didn't notice or have the strength to care about. It's like this free floating anxiety. Like Joanna said recently I need to stop focusing on the why's or the past and just start with 3 simple steps that involve eating, drinking and resting.
I have spent most of my life with a tight-gripped control. Letting go of this a little is inviting a whole new set of anxieties and worries. I don't think it has to be this way. I am on medication for anxiety, but I would one day like to substitute meditation or simply, happiness.
So Jan, perhaps because you are finding it confusing to actually be taking care of your needs. It's foreign and scary? Afraid of failure? Because I think most of us here are perfectionists.

Hi this is Catherine
I have been doing well since I posted last...no ED
still have distorted thoughts
it is so much better to have a little freedom from ED

glad you are doing better Catherine! thanks for the update. Eating disordered thinking for me is a day to day situation. I am also glad when I have better days :)

Hi Tracy
Just thought I'd check the posts tonight and see you responded to mine...thanks
hopefully you are having one of your good days; here's two sites you may find helpful...a bit of support there too..edrecoveryjax.ning.com

http://www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/online.htm
This forum is pretty quiet...I love Joanna's book and videos :) cheers

Thanks, Catherine :)
yes, doing pretty well! Pretty good place the past week. It's a process. Hope you are doing well too!

hi Catherine.
sorry you are in a bad place. I know how you feel. I have been there often. Keep reading HHH, journal, and come here often for informative and inspirational blogs from Joanna, and support from your peers. I think things have slowly soaked in for me here. I have been so scared to believe that I could function without my eating disorder. However, here I am these days functioning quite well without actively engaging in my eating disorder. How else are you getting help managing your difficult emotions? I know that in the past, when I felt stuck, it was because I wasn't working with the suggestions of my therapist or Joanna. And not because I don't want to get better, but because I didn't have the emotional energy to even try. Like I said, I truly believe that coming here has helped me to gain a huge perspective into why I keep my eating disorder so close and tight. The more I remember it's not really about food, the more I am able to look beyond that and see what the real issues are. I hope that you can find one thing today to help you feel more motivated and energized to move in the direction of recovery. Don't beat yourself up. One thing I have learned along the way, is that I learn more from my setbacks than I do with my victories. Keep posting :)
Tracy

Hi Tracy
Thank you, very nice post...I really appreciated you taking the time to write back to me

I had a good break thur this a.m.
yesterday i binged and was so discouraged...this a.m. when i woke up, still not actually up..just thinking...i thought..okay today i have a choice [even allowing these anti ed thoughts to surface is an effort for me] anyways, i said, ok you have a choice; are you going to give in to ED or try to make it today without it..you know you will be happier with yourself if you eat properly exercise etc.....anyways i made it...it's such a good feeling to make it thru the day without ed...i hope i can be wise and keep this up:)

Dear Catherine,

Give yourself a positive activity, at least one a day. Let your psyche know that you are slowing down on your eating disorder behaviors and also giving yourself something nourishing to your heart and soul.

Go slowly through the exercises in Healing Your Hungry Heart. Recovery is about building and nourishing from within so you don't need the binge.

Going slow and steady with kindness to yourself will get you there.

feeling a little defeated myself today. I have no false illusion that recovery is on a constant trajectory, going only in a positive direction. First, to explain how I feel a little defeated. I have gone from terribly restricting to feeling like I am grazing all the time. Most of the time I truly feel hungry. Other times I am bored, or tired, or craving something, which is usually sugar-filled. I am terribly night eating, and having a hard time breaking the nightly trip(s) to get a snack. I did meet with my doctor last week, and we talked about some better alternatives to help stave off sugar cravings. I mean these sugar cravings are TERRIBLE. We think it may be partly due to my medication. I have tried eating more protein, eating less sugar, cutting back on artificial sweeteners, adding fiber. I am terribly afraid to gain weight. The difference in how I am reacting to this "set-back", is to look at what is going on within me and around me fueling this increase in my eating. I don't want to be hard on myself, and each day is new. I am hoping that I can hit the right connection with my food choices to eat healthy, but not binge, to control the unhealthy foods, but not restrict. I still feel that I am doing much better than I have done in a very long time. I just feel a little down today and I am trying very hard to be stronger than the negative voices. I told a friend of mine just today that I have so much more freedom not obsessing about food the way I used to. I don't think I want to go back to that. It took up so much energy to starve myself. I hope tomorrow brings me more comfort and strength.
Tracy

Hi Tracy
Sorry you had a difficult day...hope today was better.
I know what you mean about cravings...even when I follow the mechanical diet I get them and often sucumb to them...sounds like we both need some good strategies when we experience this...I guess somehow need to eat healthy then and not let it trigger a full-blown binge
cheers, Catherine

it is very easy to be hard on ourselves. glad to hear you had a good day :)
tracy

Dear Pat,

Yes, I agree with Shh. The first challenge is to turn your mind away from diets and toward what pushes you to eat more than your body needs.

This is not an easy turn. Often the feelings that send you to food are not what you even think of as feelings. They come can come through as body sensations, like a trembling or vibration under your skin or a sharp or dull pain in your stomach. Eating may stop these sensations or distract you from them. Either way you go to a state where you feel nothing.

Learning to tolerate what you feel is key. I hope you read and do the exercises in Healing Your Hungry Heart. Gradually that will help you make the turn.

Diets don't work. Diets fail. Diets make people gain weight. Weight cycling is a two to three sequence where a person loses weight, keeps it off for a while and then gains it back plus more. Weight cycling is what keeps the diet industry in business and what confuses men and women of any age about their self worthiness. They don't know they are weight cycling. They think they are failing on a diet where they had some success. It's not true.

So, your first challenge, and it's a big one, is to turn away from diets and toward your emotional life.

Welcome. I hope you stay. This could be a great place for you.

Joanna

welcome Pat,
glad you are here! My very simple reply to your question is that if food issues consume your every waking moment and most of your thoughts, you are in the right place. I hope you find the support you are looking for here :)
tracy

Hi Pat

Yes, I think this is the right place for you :-)

I am like a slightly younger version of you, and I can identify with a lot of what you say. I spent over 30 yrs, flipping between months of starving and months of bingeing and compulsive eating, I could lose weight fairly quickly, but something would always happen to trigger my flipping back to bingeing and I would regain what I'd lost in half the time it took me to lose it, and gain more weight on top...leaving me heavier than before I started, and I've gone round and round in circles doing this and gradually getting more and more overweight.

Over the last 2 years I've lost over 80 pounds and kept it off...I've had little relapses here and there, but on the whole my eating is more under control than it has been for my whole life. I've spent the last 15 months in therapy, and that has made a massive difference, it has been completely life-changing for me, I still have more weight to lose, but I believe that will happen with time.

Treatment for eating disorders, doesn't help you lose weight...but it helps you to understand why you eat, and to get yourself to a place where you don't keep reaching for food.

Joanna's book is great, it will really help you to start understanding the role that food plays in your life...it will be emotional and a bit of a rollercoaster, but sooo worth it.

I would say that if you can get access to a therapist to help support you on this journey, then it's something I'd consider, but if you can't that's fine - you can work with whatever resources you have and still make good progress.

Hope to see more of you on these boards Pat!

Shh

PS - I can also recommend, "Nice girls finish fat" by Karen Koenig.

My problem is that I have always thought a diet would be what fixed me. I have thought this way forever...even when I failed..I thought that if I tried harder or went to OA meetings more or got online to 12 step forums about compulsive overeating that they would fix me...I guess it gave me permission to go out and eat because once again I failed. How did you successfully lose the weight? I need information on how to eat if I am not on a diet..

I was the same Pat...the key is to figure out why you eat, and deal with that, and then you won't be reaching for food the same.

The most major thing for me was when I'd just started therapy, and my therapist asked me "when you're really desperate to eat something, and you get it, and take that first bite, what happens, how do you feel, how does your body feel etc"

And I didn't know the answer, so I went home and tried it...and for me, the answer was that as soon as I started eating, my mind went completely blank, I wasn't thinking anything at all, but I felt quite calm...which meant I was eating to feel "nothing" - that was the driver for my overeating, it was to numb out all of my feelings, which really surprised me, as I had believed that i was eating to try to feel something.

But from there on, I had to figure out what the feelings were that i wanted to block out with food, why couldn't I tolerate them? where did they come from? etc.

And as I got my answers, I was able to tolerate my own feelings more, and the need to eat diminished.

So I guess the starting point might be to figure out why you eat - what feelings do you get, and then take it from there

I'm glad you found it so helpful, Melissa. Thank you for telling me.

Then limit your breathing exercises to about 20 seconds, i.e. for as long as you can do the exercises and remain in focus.

You might have to do it this way several times a day for a week or a month until you are so solid at 20 seconds than you can move up to 25 or 30.

Learning to pace yourself in gradual steps is vital for recovery. Learning to accept what you can do and not push for what you are not yet ready for is another key piece of recovery work.

Twenty seconds doing a breathing exercise in a mindful way is much better than criticizing yourself for not doing the exercise for 30.

The short session is healing. The long session that you aren't ready for pulls you into self doubt and criticism.

Guess which one is more helpful for your recovery? :)

Slow turns out to be the fastest way because fast won't get you there at all and slow will.

Thank you for checking in. I'm sure others appreciate your question as well.

asking for support before I blow my whole weekend because I didn't ask for support.
I am frustrated because my meds are making me want to eat more. If I work out I can usually keep my weight stable. I didn't work out yesterday, but I still had my "mini-binge" last night which led to a 3 lb weight increase from yesterday. I know the whole thing with weight gain and how you don't really gain 3 lbs in one day...yeah yeah...but it's there...glaring at me from the scale...I need to stop these little binges but I don't know how, except to stop my medication...maybe it's not fair to blame this on medication, but I know that before I started taking it, I was eating far less...
today I want to not eat...I am doing so well with working on recovery...any support to help me get thru my day would be so very welcome. Any support or advice on getting these voices in my head to shut up. thanks.
tracy

I don't have any advice that you don't already know! It's not a "real" weight gain and would help if you didn't weigh yourself every day... and while exercise is good, it can be bad if you're obsessed with it (I totally understand being obsessed by it, btw). Getting on the computer and writing what you are feeling is the best place to start. Are you seeing a therapist? Maybe journaling for your therapist would be helpful? I email mine 1-2 times a week. I try watching tv, reading, listening to audio books (ones that are encouraging/Caroline Myss, etc.), being on the computer... Do you have a pet? Like music? I hope you find something that helps... keep me updated if you don't mind! melissa

I found out today that my insurance does not cover a nutritionist. So I called my psychiatrist who says she will be more than happy to review a food journal with me and make suggestions. I need to stay away from sugar, flour, etc. There is so many hidden sugars in foods, so I have to read all the labels...but I do that anyway so shouldn't be a problem
tracy

Your mom is right. You need to focus on you and what you need to do in order to get healthy.

Your mom probably is looking after both of you and your health needs.

It is hard not to feel at least a little guilty when you have to eat and another is having to limit portions. It helped me to remember that I had to eat the way the doctor said in order to live. If I wasn't alive then the other person may have felt guilty for my death.

I hope that makes sense. It has been a very long day.

I always see it as us being able to exercise our right to choose whether we follow that advice or not,to be in control of our life affecting decisions, when historically we come from backgrounds where we often have no choice, no control and feel pressured or forced to do things.
I think sometimes it is just triggered by feeling like we are being told what to do...all of our lives couldn't say no or push people away, but in this scenario we can, and it is important for us to feel the power of doing that

for me, I also think it might be the act of wanting help deep down, reaching out for it as if to taste the help, knowing it's there, but hanging on to the familiar "comfort" of our ED. Keeping help within an arms reach for when we are ready, perhaps. Toe in the water, etc.,
tracy

Unfortunately, sometimes reaching out to push away is an attempt to see someone else experience powerlessness.

Perhaps a person feels more secure and powerful when she sees someone else's powerlessness.

And she may feel powerful in the moment, to compensate for her own powerlessness, as she creates the powerlessness situation for someone else.

When a person is coming from fear and dependence on an eating disorder, accepting help means to enter into an even more vulnerable position with no guarantees. It's not easy to let go of something that supports you, even if what supports you is an eating disorder than can destroy you.

Am with you on all that you have said Tracy- am not a person of many words, but think its great that you write it down and share- especially right were you are right now- its sooooo important to share the good days- I find this is the difference now that we recognize them and want more of them.....It's good that you have to be present for your child too-= this can and is helping you reflect on your own progress!_ Yay- well done!

Bye for now

Janxxx

so happy for you that you did what was healthy for you, and that you stuck up for your needs! You certainly tried, you could never say you didn't. I hope the new year brings even more strength to you!! I am proud of you :)
tracy

Mum left early as we had a huge row, and i asked her to leave...it's the hardest thing have ever had to do - But I did it for me.....I just couldn't take the constant tension and bickering anymore - For the first time in my life I stood up to her and put myself first- i feel a mixture of emotions really- sad for her mainly but free at last to get myself back together, cos I got lost about two weeks ago- Although I lost a little weight am Ok, I took control just in time. It was interesting to observe how being in a situation like this I forgot all thoughts of eating properly in my attempt to survive this intense situation - there was no thoughts , just such a numbness that i never thought about food or felt hungry - now I see and understand how i started with this ED all those years ago - Now I have more awareness and a very strong knowing that I will not go backwards......Phew am glad this period is over and now onto a new healthy new year!

Jan...I am so incredibly pleased and proud that you had the courage to ask your mum to leave. I'm sure it wasn't easy, and as you say, brings about mixed emotions, but finally you are starting to live for yourself, placing the right emphasis on your own needs and your own self-respect and not just that of others!

I hope you find yourself feeling more at ease now that you have your space back! xx

Thanks Tracy+ssh this is great comfort to have someone to connect to. Have managed to force her to go on an excursion today so I have the whole day to myself..................:) Last night she started going on about my weight that I have lost weight which I havent then tells me this morning she didnt sleep well for worrying about me-This is a major shut down topic for me - Cos I havent lost weight- but she doesnt understand any of it-only says its been 30 years now you should be over it.....so am going to take my journal off today and have a nice coffee and splurge it all out - Have also just talked to my therapist who has given me some exercises to do - she tells me to allow myself to be vulnerable........this is what I am afraid of I think - allowing this cos her energy will floor me- RIGHT Am off to clear this stuck energy and maybe she will too today on her tour!! - Will try to keep in touch the best again- and thanks once again.... Janxxxx

So sorry, Jan. I am glad to hear you say that you don't feel like a failure anymore..however, it is still so hard when her issues impact you at such a tremendous level. Two weeks, wow. I almost don't know what to say to help you get through this. I want to encourage you to stay focused on recovery. Sounds like you are trying very hard!
The old adage comes to mind here.."what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger". I think it will be important for you to get alone time a couple hours a day...not counting sleeping :)
You need to refuel, recharge. I have a difficult mom at times. She lies, distorts, blames and criticizes often. She uses me as a sounding board and "counselor" for her troubled marriage (to my dad). If you don't take her side, or dare say, disagree with her, she will often completely shut you out for months at a time. I have noticed lately while spending a lot of time with her (holidays and shopping and what-not), that I get extremely tense and start going into my own little world when she starts criticizing my father. I don't like to be in this position. Family issues and stress fuel my ED for sure. But lately, with the help of my therapist, I have been turning the situation around in my head a bit. I have started to accept the fact that she is not going to change. I wonder why it is that she is so unhappy. I almost feel sorry for her at times. I think she is truly miserable with herself. So when I step back and look at it like this, I am better able to feel less personally attacked, and am able to that her behaviors are a result of her own issues. She is the daughter of my grandfather...the drunk who sexually abused me for years...she doesn't even admit he was an alcoholic..what else is she repressing? Her first husband was a physically abusive alcoholic. It doesn't make it right for her to be emotionally abusive to me at times, but atleast I am realizing that this comes from somewhere. Keeping my distance and refueling myself also helps me. This isn't always easy as she only lives a mile down the road :(
I so very hope that you are able to glean something positive from this experience. Getting through the next two weeks without losing it would be a wonderful goal and will make you proud to look back and see how you handled this extremely stressful time...easy to say..I know. Keep posting, we are here for you :)

More so than ever now- completely numb. First day was great+going sadly downhill-we keep arguing I have no time to myself-this is horrible. My insides are tight and am shaking inside-have tried to reason with her but she just shouts me down. I guess its great that in no way do I feel a failure anymore, I just can't satisfy this woman-she is so demanding+critical-its doing my head in-not sure how I am going to survive another 14 days of this.......trying to breathe and meditate at night when I go to bed but her energy just overpowers me. What am I going to do? Want to send her home!!!!Feel so abnormal and like it me.....

ohhh Jan!

It's not you! Seriously....if you can find the guts to do it, demand that she either discusses things with you rationally and doesn't shout you down, or you will have no choice but to ask her to leave.

I know it's hard to find time for yourself when you have someone staying, but another 2 weeks is a long time! I think you need to find ways of getting some space, go for a drive, go for a walk, go to a coffee shop alone and take a good book along with you or even sit with your coffee and journal and get those feelings out, go for a swim...make her a list and send your mum out for groceries, run a bath lock the door and stay in there for hours, start going to bed early and use some of the time to allow yourself to retreat mentally to a lovely calm place where you can be yourself.

Thinking about you lots! xx

trying not to become engaged in the family drama and it is wearing me out :/
I have this really, really crazy family. I love them all, but they fuel the fire of my issues because they make me so anxious. I have a very emotionally unstable mother and sister. Of interest, my sister and her young son live with my parents. So I get a double dose when visiting.
My sister has bipolar disorder with frequent volatile episodes. I walk on eggshells with her and had a moment today where I started raising my voice because she was just arguing and yelling at my mom just for the sake of arguing and yelling. It's a very stressful situation to be around. The hardest part is watching her take advantage of my parents who, out of love for her young son, will not kick her out.
So, I feel bad for raising my voice with her, but I just couldn't take it...it's every single time we come over there...she picks, picks, picks...I asked her why she is so unhappy. I just finally walked out of the room, feeling bad because the whole incident made my dad more nervous and my mom retreated to her room for the afternoon.
so my sister texted me tonight telling me i made her feel bad and that no one knows all the problems she has had lately. The real problem here, is that my sister creates drama every day of her life. This is not isolated to recent days. This is her life every day..she is miserable.
I would usually engage by texting her back but I am going to just ignore the text. I don't think that if I tried to help her understand why I tried to intervene today she would understand. she doesnt hear anyone. I am just venting, but mostly I guess I am feeling bad because I have decided not to reply to her text. I think that replying will feed into her attempts to engage me in an argument...because that's what she likes to do. does this sound right? There is that side of me that wants to run and make it all better, so she won't be mad at me...but I am starting to not care if she is mad at me...and strangely this is actually a step in a healthy direction....i think...?
tracy

Tracy

I totally get where you're coming from, and I think sometimes choosing not to respond is the best thing to do, especially when you know that by responding you will just get drawn into an argument.

When things feel out of control, it is your way of taking control and saying "no, I will not let you do this to me anymore".

I think you did well, to exercise that right and take care of yourself! xx

Thank you Anne-Sophie, it was an interesting day, but not as bad as I thought it would be. I appreciate your support :) Hope you are doing well!

Dear Tracy,
I am sorry to hear that you have such a hard time with you sister.
I have been on the receiving end of such comments as well.
What worked for me was to sit down with my family and explain my feelings to them (writing them letters works great as well). Tell them what a difficult situation it is for you and that it would be easier if they didn't mention it.
I am sure your sisters comment was not intended to hurt you, but let her know that it did (in a quiet, non-accusatory tone).
Would that help?

I really hope you had a peaceful Thanksgiving.

Anne-Sophie

Yes, the challenge of family and Thanksgiving is powerful. Your feelings rise up fast when you get a question like this.

Can you use this holiday as an opportunity to practice not getting engaged when someone says something triggering to you?

Silence is a response. "Let's change the subject," without answering the question is another. Or just change the subject without asking permission. You don't have to talk about what you don't want to talk about. Just because someone opens up a topic doesn't mean you have to carry on with it.

This takes a lot of practice, but you learn how to be creative in not engaging.

Let me know if you try it. I'd like to hear about it.

Happy Thanksgiving, Tracy. I'm grateful for your participation in recovery. :)

Dear Nicola,
I think that deep down, you know that something is not right with you. The fact that you are thinking about it and really wrestling with the question, says a lot.
It sounds like you are in a bad place and I wish I could reach out to you and guide you along the way. I truly believe you should get help. You are NOT a failure. Seeking help is a very courageous thing.
I wish you all the best and I agree with Joanna, please begin with your recovery work.

Anne-Sophie

Thank you both for your posts. I'm definitely motivated more then ever to get better, I guess the next step is just figuring out how I do that. Thank you.

Dear Nicole,

Yes, you sound like you have an eating disorder. You describe the way you live. It is the life of a young woman who is seriously ill. The amount you weigh is NOT the key to diagnosis. You are putting your life in danger with your binge and purge episodes. You are disrupting the electrolyte balance in your body. This is what causes heart attacks.

But, scare tactics don't work in pushing against a powerful denial system. If you don't want to live the way you are living, then you have to make some changes. The way you are living is not going to change by itself.

So what is the something new you will introduce into your life that will give you a chance to live in a more fulfilling way? Drugs and alcohol only make your life worse. Starting something new and then not following through on it because you have to binge and purge so much, or because you lose interest won't get you to positive change either.

What will help is what you resist the most and that is, getting into recovery work. And yes, it's work. It' requires determination and commitment - but anything worth doing requires determination and commitment to get benefits. What goal doesn't?

Eighteen is young to understand that you are ill and need treatment. Even people who are healthy and 18 find it difficult or impossible to imagine that they can die. But...they do die. They die despite their denial. And they do die from eating disorders when they are at what seems to be a healthy or safe weight.

Part of the problem is that the bingeing and purging prevent your brain cells from getting the nourishment they need. Your thinking gets distorted and you don't know it. You believe you are making sense when you are not.

I'm glad you are confused. Maybe that means a locked in way of thinking is breaking up and you can allow a perspective that is different from your own to prevail.

You ask, do you sound like you have an eating disorder? My answer is a resounding YES. It sounds like you have people in your life who care about you. That will help. It's wonderful to have support for your recovery work once you begin.

Please do begin. And let me know how you are doing.

Dear Tracy,

Welcome. Sometimes just writing out what your are feeling can help you get some stability.

What happens with an eating disorder frame of mind is that your sense of your world gets smaller and smaller until your perspective is limited by only two choices: eat or don't eat; and what might determine weight gain or loss.

Please try to give yourself something else to think about. Put yourself in new situations where you need to use your mind and your imagination in new ways to learn something, solve something, resolve something.

My book, Healing Your Hungry Heart, gives lots of exercises to help you do that. If you keep going from food to weight and back again you keep making your life and your way of thinking smaller all the time. In a tiny pool of options you block yourself from an expanded world outside and an expanding way of being your authentic self.

Try something beyond your routine limits, e.g. a class, a walk in a different but safe neighborhood, talking to a friend you haven't seen for a long time, speaking to someone you see often but never speak to. Stretch, Tracy.

Let us know how you are.

warm regards,

Joanna

thank you, Joanna, for your kind message. I am recently back in therapy after a 3 year absence where I was not struggling with food issues so much. My therapist tends not to talk about my eating stuff, but rather the issues that lend to them. She is awesome, and I realize she is only as good as I am open to self exploration. I do need to distract myself more, and I actually stay very busy with work and family. However, I still find myself thinking about what, when and how I will eat. I count calories over and over, even though I already counted. I find myself thinking about what I can eat for dinner before I even have a morning snack because I need to make sure I restrict enough during the day as dinner tends to be my "biggest" meal. tonight i actually ate a healthy meal. still low calorie, but i added some rice which i rarely do. i didn't feel as badly as I thought I would. I sometimes fantasize about living without fear when eating, and it feels good. I know this is an important first step for me by past experience. I love your site, and I have already read many helpful articles. I pray one day I will be able to say goodbye to my eating issues for good.

I'm glad to know you are working toward recovery with a therapist you trust.

You might find my book, Healing Your Hungry Heart: recovering from your eating disorder helpful. It's full of stories and recovery exercises.

Perhaps you could show it to your therapist and, if she finds HHH compatible with your therapy work, she could support you as you work the exercises.

Let me know if you decide to do this. I'd be glad to hear about your experience.

warm regards,

Joanna

I will ask her if she knows about the book. Does it cover topics like sexual abuse and intimacy issues? She is working with me on that as well. We feel that is the base of my issues, as well as growing up in a large family with a mother who was verbally and emotionally abusive at times. I have had eating issues since I was 12. I am now 42. Wow. I have never before realized how long this has been going on until I just typed it...I have wasted a lot years, huh? If the book is compatible with what my therapist is doing with me (which it probably is), I will be getting the book. thanks!

Joanna,
are there any web sites you could recommend for nutrition advice for folks in eating disorder recovery? Specifically, sites that you could download menu plans/guides. I need to get back in with a nutritionist but would like to be able to do this on my own and not be held accountable to anyone but myself.
tracy

Dear Tracy and Majella,

I view offering nutrition suggestions that are specific to an individual in the same way I view giving medical advice to an individual.

I can make general statements about quality nutrition. I can make behavior and mindfulness suggestions that can be supportive and helpful in terms of healthy eating choices.

But I can't give specific advice. I don't recommend specific nutrition oriented websites.

To do so would be crossing a line into territory where I lack specific expertise necessary to address your needs.

I suggest that you both find a nutritionist and ask your questions including our questions about website recommendations.

thank you for your reply, Joanna. I will see if my doctor can help with this. If not, I will probably see a nutritionist...it just is not a service covered by my insurance and is quite costly. I understand your position entirely.
tracy

Majella - thank you for bringing this topic up and Joanna - thank you for all the great suggestions. I wouldn't have been able to make the progress I have made so far w/out my Nutritionist/RD. She has helped me over the past year to go from not being able to feel my hunger at all to feeling and mostly honoring my hunger. I'm eating about five times more today than what I did a year ago, which was next to nothing. At first each extra bite was really hard. Luckily my RD is a superstar and is very much into mindfulness and intuitive eating and her approach has been one that has allowed me to build slowly. I am struggling a bit right now because I'm at a threshold that I haven't yet been able to push past and I've been hanging out here for a long while. I'm not in any medical danger but folks want me up a bit more so I have some reserves. Logically I get it but my body image stuff and fear is in the way. I'm not sure what it is going to take for me to decide I'm ready to take it to the next level. I do know for sure I don't want to go backwards and I feel good about that.

as I am beginning to add more of a variety of foods to my diet, I find that i am unsure of exactly what i should be eating and how much. I feel that I may be ready to actually utilize the services of a nutritionist. Up to now, when I thought of calling one, I would get anxious because I dont want to give up this control over what I eat and when i eat...
I need to find someone who can help me figure in the excercise with the diet, so I can make sure I am eating the right foods and at the right times. I feel there are times I am not making wise nutrition choices. also, my new medication is making me more hungry, but I know that at times I am not really hungry, because I have just eaten. So I am dealing with not only trying to listen to my hunger cues, but trying to figure out which one's are real and which one's are worsened (increased) by the medication.
the good news here, however, is that I am willing to move in this right direction.
Hope you all are doing well!
tracy

Dear Majella,

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us.

The answer to your last question is the crucial one for many people. It's now what or how much you need to eat but how you can override fears and apply the information.

I would suggest these basic considerations:

Start slow and make tiny changes. Then, when you need to push yourself beyond your old restricting limits you are not going very far. Once you learn
you can survive that level of eating you create a new threshold. Then you use that as your baseline and push beyond it a little bit more.

I also recommend that you get yourself from pretty dishes that are the right size for recommended meal size.

Play with colors and shapes so you have an assortment of fun dishes to use when you are eating. Don't make your meal all about the food.
Find a way to make the meal a pleasurable experience in many ways.

Also, you can do a mindful contemplation before you eat. Over time this will help you relax into accepting the nourishment you need.

For more about this see my book, Healing Your Hungry Heart: recovering from your eating disorder. The chapter on contemplations before a meal might be very helpful to you now.

By all means write again, Majella and let us know how you are doing.

warm regards,

Joanna

Point well taken, Kym. Much has been written about "sexual anorexia." Patrick Carnes, I believe, may have been among the first or the first.

I may have to write another book!

Chapter 12 came about because when I was almost finished with the first draft of the manuscript a story of sexual exploitation came to me about a respected leader in the eating disorder field who surrendered his license for the third time because of sexual boundary crossing.

Plus the woman involved did her best to defend him.

I see eating disordered women with child like aspects of their psyche molested, exploited, stalked and abused. The response around them is often, "She's an adult. She should have known better."

I added this chapter as a response to this upwelling of anger and sense of protection I felt for these women.

You are right. I speak mostly about men and women. There are a few references to "partners." I know one editor was glad I made a reference - obtuse and rare as it may have been - that included same sex partnerships.

But you are right. I could have made that more clear. Certainly I've seen the kind of sexual exploitation I wrote about between women as well as men and women.

I'll think more about the issues you raise, Kym, and see if I can fill out the gaps in HHH somehow.

Thank you. I'm glad you are finding a way to make the chapter useful to you.

Kym, I had to respond to this,for many reasons.

Joanna, please don't take this personally, but I also found chapter 12 a bit "empty" - a few things touched on aspects of my behaviours, but to be honest I think there is such a vast and complex array of sex-related behaviours that come with EDs that maybe a chapter isn't enough? or maybe they are less talked about in therapy - but then doesn't that make the reading all the more valuable, as these are the areas the women struggle to bring to therapy?

Kym's "nun" is someone I live as for the vast majority of my life, especially within stable, loving relationships....I just struggle full stop with sex with anyone who loves me.

I sometimes think it was a blessing in disguise that I struggled to have my 2nd child, because wanting a baby forced me to have to have the sex, and by virtue of having 7 early miscarriages between my 2 girls, that meant my husband got an "adequate" sex life for quite a few years.

In recent years I have gone from having sex out of duty, to actually being able to uphold the boundary of saying "no,I don't want to" but then subsequently having to deal with the guilt of knowing that I'm not a good wife in that way.

None of this means that I'm not a sexual person though, I do have sexual urges, and I can function very well in those promiscuious situations - but out of not wanting to be promiscious, and not wanting to be unfaithful - I don't act upon it.

I'm not sure whether this has any significane in ED-related sexual behaviours, but as part of my recovery attempts, I have started to question whether maybe a same sex relationship would be better for me? I've never had a same-sex relationship, but I have found myself feeling like I'm "falling" for certain women - a classic example is one of the midwives I saw fairly regularly, and who was there at the birth of my first child. It's never a sexual attraction as such, it's to do with being cared for and wanting to reciprocate that caring, but I had several very caring, sexual dreams about her. And there have been several other instances with other caring women too.

I do question this and question the motives behind it, and all I can conclude is that it's not about being "mothered", it's about caring in a relationship where I feel "equal".

Gosh, I've rambled a lot here, but definitely think that there is scope for a book on the sexual aspects of EDs

Kym - I'm really pleased that Joanna has been able to suggest some reading which is helpful to you.

What resonates most is seeing how you felt that your issues were a character flaw....I do this too in relation to various issues, not just sexual ones....but what I'm slowly realising, is that us ED peeps are much less flawed than we think we are, many of our less desirable attributes that we pathogise and see as flaws are actually pretty logical responses and coping mechanisms.

Sometimes, I think we need to step back a bit and give ourselves a pat on the back for finding ways to cope with things that many people wouldn't have had the strength to deal with. There's a lot of strength in ED sufferers, we're just too caught up in our perfectionist attitudes a lot of the time, to see it! xx

I agree with you Shh; not sure why we automatically assume that there’s something wrong with us or that we’re different from everyone else. Maybe I step to the left to avoid a car while 75% of people step to the right to avoid it, but we all step somewhere to survive. As I get more and more into recovery I’m beginning to see that while my coping techniques may not have been the healthiest, either were the situations which made me develop them!! As I read Craines book last night I think it was the first time that I didn’t go in my “misery mind” which tells me how broken and weak I am. I’ve overcome some big things and this is no different…..bring it on!

Thanks for understanding Joanna! And thanks for the lead on Patrick Carnes. I downloaded his book on Sexual Anorexia and once again this week, I'm seeing my life written in words. Feeling a little numb and shocked that it discribes me so well (never heard of sexual anorexia before) but a part of me is excited because I don't have to feel like my issues are some kind of character flaw but are another coping mechanism due to things that happened to me. And even more important,there are solutions. I haven't even finished the first chapter, but it's very interesting how he compares and combines ED's with sex additions (both hypo and hyper additions). So while your chapter 12 may not have had exactly what I needed, it gave me the courage to say something and you've pointed me in the right direction.

Thanks!

I feel so frustrated at the moment, as I had managed to eat "normally" for about 5 months, but for the last 3 months, I just can't seem to get back to that place, and things are gradually getting worse.

I feel like I'm back at the point I was at when I started therapy 9 months ago - when I'm rational about things, I can see that there are a lot of changes that I'm managing to hold onto and maintain, but that's not how I feel,I feel like I'm back at square one....and every day I'm going to tackle it and have a good day, and every day I fail miserably and eat to the point that I don't care and can't even stay awake to worry about the fact that I don't care...

...but I've not given up, I'm still fighting in my own way, and I will get there!

Hi Kym,

How to "find the middle" is about tolerating your feeling of hunger. That's what the HHH exercises are designed to help you do.

Insight is great to help motivate through understanding. The work is in the practices so you build inner strength and resiliency to feel what you feel, including hunger.

J

Oh Kym

I can identify with so much of what you say, I can't find that middle ground either!

I started to write a longer reply to you, but I realised that my issues with food were more complex than I first thought, and didn't want to bore you with an essay, so I deleted it again...I think it should probably go away and journal about it instead.

But I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your struggle for the middle ground, I understand just how frustrating it is!

It's not about middle group. It's about a particular place that you can't bear so you avoid it by going either the too much route or the too little route. All or none will prevent you from being in the psychological and emotional place of feeling ambiguous, awkward, sometimes afraid or too excited of the here and now. The here and now leads to the unwritten unknown ahead. That's where the challenge is. And that's where your healing practice is.

Trying to edge up to that place without actually arriving doesn't work. Skipping over it as you go from one extreme to another doesn't work. For recovery and freedom you have to go to that place, learn how to bear what you feel there and understand that the here and now is where your life really is.

It's tough, but it's possible. The rewards are great.

So today I’ve been allowing the hunger to come and not graze to keep it away. But it’s really a fine line! On the one hand I feel like I need to face hunger and soothe myself so I don’t freak out. But on the other hand, I can’t allow it to stick around because it will feel like dieting and could trigger my restricting. So I need to make friends with hunger but not let it hang around too much! (There are other relationships like that in my life!!) Having worked out some of the reasons for my fear of hunger yesterday did help me today; I felt far less panicky. I did some self soothing with assurance that I have food to eat, that I’m no longer the little girl who doesn’t have the option of eating and that the feelings of hunger aren’t stronger than I am. Just when I think I’ve got this recovery thing down, new stuff comes up!! But I know it will be worth it.

Dear Kym,

You wrote: "Just when I think I’ve got this recovery thing down, new stuff comes up!!"

Winston Churchill is my personal mentor and inspiration. His definition of life:
"One damned thing after another."

Love it. That's why we need to develop resilience.

You are on your way to doing just that.

:)

Joanna

Thank you for your response.

I tried to get another referral (to deal with my depression and coping skills) but the waiting list for a counsellor was something silly like 3 months (by that time I would have been at uni).
I'm at university now and in two minds about how I feel. I'm happy to be away from home and have more control over things. Plus, I like my course (BSc Psychology) but wish it would get a little more time-consuming. However, I miss having people that really know me. I can't really talk to anybody here and my strongest link (contact through e-mail) doesn't get back to me very often. I always find it really difficult to fit in and I'm starting to feel anxious about random rubbish again. I'm eating "normally" at the minute but I'm still losing weight... I think it's because I don't get as hungry as I should or something. It just makes it a little harder to stay on track, if I'm honest. Registered with the uni GP so should be able to get help more readily if I start to slip. Hoping that the pressure I put on myself to succeed won't screw me over.

Hi Sarah

Glad to hear that you seem to be settling in at uni - it's early days yet, I'm sure you will get to know people on a deeper level, and that the course will become more challenging as you get further into it...just go easy on yourself and give it all a bit of time.

I wondered whether you have thought about getting back into therapy now, before things slip, whilst you are in a relatively good place - then maybe they won't slip at all, or you won't slip as far?

I say this because a few years ago, I started ED therapy and had only had about 6-8 sessions when I discovered I was pregnant and my therapist said that she wasn't happy about continuing whilst I was pregnant or breastfeeding, so we parted amicably. Then about 18 months ago I was contacted by another therapist from the same service, asking if I would go to a meeting to discuss resuming my treatment.

At this point I was quite happy, just plodding along, I felt in an okay place, and I didn't want the emotional upheaval of therapy to spoil things...so I did everything I could to duck out of the meeting and put off discussing things, as I didn't want my case to be closed, but I wasn't ready to return. Eventually I had no choice but to go to a meeting, and I felt like it was a case of "use it or lose it" so I agreed to start therapy again and was assigned a therapist.

In my second meeting with my new therapist I told her how I didn't really want to be there, and how I didn't feel like I needed therapy at that present time but I was scared to lose my place in the system, and how I feared that starting therapy would spoil the relatively good place that I was in at the time... and she responded to me by saying that maybe starting therapy whilst I was in a relatively good place, would be a good thing for me, would give us a better platform to work from, and a better chance of making good progress.

I reluctantly went along with this... but in hindsight, she was right!

You asked in your first post if anyone had had treatment that had enabled them to have a more positive outlook - and my answer is a resounding yes! I still have a way to go, but I have come so far - more than anything I know now that dark days and dark times are just little blips (although they don't feel like it at the time), and that I'm a strong woman, who has been there several times before and survived, and will therefore survive if she ends up there again ....although I find that truly believing that, seems to prevent me from sinking that far - even in the bad times.

Just think about things Sarah - would it be so bad to start treatment now whilst you're in a pretty okay place?

Hope everythinggoes well for you at uni - make sure you keep us posted!

Shh

Hi

Things have gotten a bit bad again... Doesn't help that the person I confide in most hasn't replied to my e-mails in quite a while. Plus, my friend who I've been talking to about things at the minute told me yesterday that I'm basically bringing him down with me. That pretty much made me feel worse and look after myself less.

I had an initial appointment with a counsellor at my university's counselling service and am now waiting for some forms to fill in... I think I'm actually feeling worse knowing that I'm not even on the waiting list until these forms get handed back in!

I found out last week that a girl I befriended at the first lecture has struggled with pretty much the same things I have for about as long (although hers were to a more serious extent). It feels so sureal but great to be able to talk to somebody and moan about the system! Just have to hope that our other friends don't search for the reason that we're spending more time together.

Hoping that these forms will get here soon... The only good thing about Psychology being such a non-contact subject is that it should be quicker to get an appointment that fits in with my timetable!

Hi Sarah

I'm also in the UK, and have first hand experience of the constraints of treatment on the NHS - it's far from ideal, as there isn't really any scope within the system for longer term treatments, the emphasis is on behavioural type therapies aimed at getting us to change our habits and behaviours around food and back out of the door again to free up the resources for the next person. Apparently the success rate is quite good, but it only scrapes the surface of the underlying issues, and deals more with how things affect us on a day-to-day basis.

You can go to your GP and ask for a re-referral back to your ED specialist or to a different ED specialist.

I'm currently with an NHS ED service, and I said from the outset that I didn't really want just behavioural therapy, that I needed a more US-style approach to deal with the roots of the prob more effectively, my therapist wasn't exactly enamoured with my view, but she agreed to go along with what I wanted.

In response to what can be achieved in just a few months - you can achieve things, but you need to make your therapist aware of the limits so that you're not going to be left with "open wounds" when you leave to go to uni.

I'm not entirely sure how it works and whether your therapist would be able to refer you on to another ED unit in the part of the country where you will be studying, or whether you would need to go back round the registering with new GP and getting them to refer you - I'd probably take this up with your therapist and poss contact the student health/welfare people at the uni you will be going to, as I think a lot of uni's have access to ED treatment for their students....see if you can smooth out the transition from one ED service to the other without being left for months without a therapist.

Good Luck with your journey Sarah!

Honesty, sincerity, a glimpse into the authentic heart and soul of a person shows the beauty of her natural essence.

It's what great artists attempt to capture in their paintings.

It's what you reveal when you cry from genuine vulnerability as you feel and what happens on the outside of you and the inside of you is completely congruent.

Joanna

Thanks Joanna

I can see it in relation to paintings, and I can picture it in other people....but I can't apply it to myself.

Kym, I really identified with what you wrote. i hit my bottom in the fall of 2010 and since then it's been an uphill battle. each of my achievements though in a way feels like a defeat. When someone tells me "oh, you look great!", what i hear is "oh you have gained weight". when my therapist tells me i am doing well, i hear, "you have been gaining weight...blah, blah, blah." for me it's a double edged sword because i am still operating on two planes: one is my rational non-ED plane and the other is my irrational ED plane.

another big part of it is the intensity and the passion that comes with my ED. i miss that. the desperation. the power. the confusion. the sense of being lost and alone. all of it. i miss it.

it took me awhile before i realized all this would kill me if i let it so i could either go down that road with that result or be stuck in-between my rational and irrational planes.

this is the first time i have ever written on a thread like this. thanks for the thought-provoking post.

good luck to you.

I alway miss ED. I would rather be with ED than anything else, but know I can't live (well-without health consequences) that way...
Catherine

Kym

A while back I had a massive issue with being scared that therapy would be over before I felt like I was "fixed"...I would miss my T, I wouldn't be able to cope without the support, it was just such a scary prospect - I made myself quite ill with it, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, felt sick to the pit of my stomach...

...it got to a point where it affected therapy, as I could no longer relax with my T, cos I was fearful that she might say that the time to go our separate ways was nearing.

At the time my T and other people tried to convince me that therapy would not just end, it would be dealt with sensitively and hopefully be a mutual decision for me to fly the nest.

Well, I haven't flown the nest yet, I still have things I need to work on before I can truly fly away and enjoy the sense of freedom given to me by my new wings...

...but I have wings now, and as much as there are things I'd like to accomplish in therapy first, I'm no longer scared of being out in the big wide world alone.

I think basically, what you feel, are very normal feelings for someone recovering from ED...and I hope you don't mind me saying this, but the fact that you don't feel ready to be out there all alone, probably means that you're not ready yet.

I think when you're ready, you will feel ready!

Give it a bit more time hun...it will come, when the time is right! (((hugs))) xxxx

Thanks Shh, One thing I know for sure is that I can't and won't give up the progress I've made...it just takes so long. I've been having bad dizzy spells (involving landing on the ground) the last couple weeks and my Rd thinks I'm Reactive hypogyemic. My doctor ordered tests today and I'm scared to take them because my RD already told me that if she's correct we're going to have to re-look at my eating plan. I've come so far and felt I was doing so good and now another change!!! I know I can do it and I know I'll do the right thing....guess I just want to feel sorry for myself for awhile. The unknown and another change is not what I wanted right now.

oh Kym...I think any potential long-term changes to diet & eating habits is stressful and scary for someone with an ED history.

I know you will handle it though - it's scary, it's another challenge, but if you conquer it, then you will feel a sense of pride and strength, that will reinforce how far you've come and your self-belief that you can continue with your recovery!

I'm rooting for you!!! xxxx

Hi Catherine,
I found this site, ordered HHH today and I am going to fix myself, someway, somehow. I have been binging almost daily for the last 3-4 weeks and am miserable again. I have done this for my entire life. Oh, I've lost weight before, but could never keep it off because of the binging, eventually....Today, I am turning over a new leaf. It has been on my mind almost constantly, that I have to do something, and today is the day. I am glad to have found all of you here and my expectation is that we will all be able to draw strength from one another. I like your list of things to do other than binge and will use that if you don't mind. Thanks again for being here.

i am a self-destructive mess.
and have been so for about 12 years

but i am finally truly serious about recovery
(needless to say, i have absolutely been beyond *treated* and have a wealth of knowledge, both healthy and not so much)

i started a blog today to help keep serious track of myself. I'm too old for this- i need to live, to let go, and move on.

i would love to interact/meet w/ people who are in recovery as well.

i don't need to be triggered; i need to change.

good luck

http://excessivelyjane.blogspot.com/

Hi again
Well, still ED free. Lonely place this site?

I'm going to make a binge diversion box..

put little pieces of paper in my box..

with notes, such as;

--take a bath/shower
--watch a movie
--do something out of the ordinary
--do some mindfulness activities
--observe self thinking
--go buy an outfit
--get nails done
--get a massage
--get a facial
--eat something healthy
--drink a glass of water
--have a green tea
--call/email a friend
--etc.

when I pick out a piece of paper I will try and
do what it says instead of bingeing...


cheers,
Cat

These are terrific items, Cat. I'm glad you reminded me to remind myself about drinking water.
So important to stay hydrated.

Lately I've been drinking a half and half mixture of water and coconut water.

Thank you for posting. Let us know how you are doing.

Joanna

Hi Catherine

I still fall off the waggon on a fairly regular basis, but I am learning to manage it better each time it happens.

Thesdays I ask myself if I've been restricting or eating erratically, and try to force myself to eat a little bit more and regularly, so that I know I'm not triggering the binges physiologically.

I can't pretend I'm an expert at being kind to myself, and I do get frustrated and mad with myself for keep bingeing...but I do "have it out" with myself now, and say "come on, what is it? what are you trying to escape from?"

Sometimes the answers aren't obvious...but I sit and write down everything that's going on in my life, and my head....sometimes there are big things, but most of the time it's lots of little things, and as I write about each thing and how I feel about it, suddenly one of them will have me burst into tears, and then I know I have my answer, and something to work with to stop the bingeing and get back on track.

We're all different, and we all deal with our EDs differently....but you will get there Catherine! xx

Hi
Great to get a response from you Shh...
I've had a few challenges, but so far no bingeing.

I'm trying to say good riddance to ED
I think what you said about writing things down (processing stuff) is a good idea..

cheers,

Dear Danielle,

Good for you for reaching out. You don't lose a binge eating disorder by restricting. You only lose weight. Gaining or losing weight, weighing a certain amount at any BMI is not what indicates an eating disorder. If you've never had a healthy relationship with food then you have some exploring to do.

In my opinion your situation is serious now. Gaining or losing large amounts of weight too fast or too often is wearing on your heart.

If you do a search on this site for the name "Kym"
you will read eloquent comments from a woman older than you who has swung back and forth between high weights and low weights.

Her story may help you appreciate your situation now.

Rather than focus on weight, appearance, calories and food, please focus on recovery from your eating disorder with a mental health professional with expertise in the field.

You may be surprised at how relieved you are when you begin with someone who genuinely understands your situation. And you'll save a lot of time in the long run by, hopefully, escaping those massive weight swings, protecting your heart and discovering freedom.

I can identify so much with your story. I have never been thin and when I started losing weight I got so many compliments. I almost feel like i am losing weight for other people, not just myself. the problem is that i have been gradually eating less and less and now i feel trapped in this huge fear of eating. I terribly restrict. i am still overweight so I don't think anyone is concerned about my diet. as far as feeling heavier than you should for the amount of food you limit yourself to, I too have found that to be frustrating. I am eating so little that my metabolism has slowed so much. My doctor said my body is hanging on to whatever food I do give it because I am starving. I used to be bulimic, and got treatment. I went some years overeating and getting heavy. when i started dieting this time around i was eating very healthy and i actually found that i lost more weight eating than i do now. i too am scared to gain the weight back if i start eating normal. but my first step will be actually eating a normal meal. I hope you find a therapist that works for you. I wish you success and happiness!

Hi there
Not sure how long ago you posted; hope you are doing okay.

Hopefully you continue to reach out...I don't think we can cure ourselves from ED..we need good people that we can trust to help us..people we can be accountable to and at the same time be ourselves..

take care

Dear Sarah,
when I started my recovery, I had the same fears. However, none of those came true. When I receive comments on my now healthy weight, they are nothing but great. I have never received so many compliments in my life. So, don't worry about that. People love seeing us healthy and not sick.
I was terrified of not being able to stop eating as well. But when you eat regularly, you are not as starved anymore all the time, so you will find it a lot easier to eat "normal" portions. I learned to trust myself and only rarely do I proof myself wrong.
I really hope this helped a bit.

Anne-Sophie

hi Sarah,
I hope you are doing better! I share that same frustration and fear. I don't like to eat "unsafe" foods because I know I will want to get rid of it. I am scared of certain foods and won't get near them.
I also don't want to gain alot of weight in the process of recovery. But my doctor has told me that any weight gain would be small and temporary as my body adjusts to eating again. I also know my brain plays tricks on me and tries to keep me where I am. I have been healthy before and I know how much freedom there is in not obsessing over everything I put into my mouth. I would love to be there again. I am in therapy again and hoping to get there. Thanks for writing. This is very hard, but we are not alone.

Hi Sarah
Don't know when you posted, sorry no one responded; hope you are still reaching out;
Recovery usually takes awhile b/c there are many
hurts etc. that ED is helping us to avoid...
I really really hope you have been able to find some good help...
cheers,
Cat

Hi Kym. It goes without saying that we're all in different places in our recovery, but i too hate the weight loss commercials and especially the way that celebrities profit off of endorsing one program or the other. I see these as a symptom of how our society is so overweight yet so obsessed with being thin and not only that, we are obsessed with finding an "easy" way to lose weight. It's all marketing BS. Try not to let it bother you and focus on the real issue: the media and our society's obsession with being thin. That's what we have to change!

You are describing a concentrated assault against you. The weight loss commercials, coming from every ad carrying vehicle, hit you like an abuser's lash.

Like many abusers, they will not stop. They don't seek help because they are causing pain in others. They seek to benefit from the vulnerability of the people they attack.

To survive and thrive you need to find a way to repel the abuser.

The first step is for you to understand that you are vulnerable and abuse is happening. You know you are suffering, but I believe you may go more into your own thoughts and feelings about yourself rather than into analyzing the abuser for your own protection.

You need to learn how to protect yourself, take care of yourself and, if necessary, fight back.

If you were dealing with people who were attacking you physically you would:
get yourself out of danger;
take self protection classes;
notify authorities;
rally others to support you.

Instead of thinking about your weight and appearance, which only strengthens the abuser's power, think about the abuser, the abuser's methods and tactics and find ways to protect yourself. Don't join in the abuser's attack on you. Separate yourself from those messages and plan your strategy.

Let me know what you come up with. :)

Joanna

Ok Kym, so I need to pull myself up by my boot straps and quit feeling sorry for myself. Instead of focusing on the fact that I can't lose weight (which I'm good at and enjoy), I;m lucky and don't need to lose weight. I need to remind myself that the company's don't care about my or anyone's health and that all about the money. Instead of listening to them I need to tell them off; this could be one of those times when swearing is acceptable....this could be fun! I've asked my partner to help me hit mute buttons and throw away ads. I can do this.....I will not be a victim but a rebel!!

Thanks Joanna, I just needed to get out of my funk.

Dear Kym,

Your question raises many issues. Maybe looking at them will help you make some self caring decisions.

Personally, I haven't had television in my home for three years. I feel I'm a nicer person without it. I'm more relaxed and content. The low quality presentations, hard selling commercials and repetitive disaster news films are out of my life.

I keep up via online newspapers, CNN and even Twitter. Shows I want to check out I can find on hulu.com and netflix. I've granted myself the power to stop those commercials from eating up my time and influencing my mind.

Taking a stand to create the environment that is best for you is an important part of recovery.
The lack of television in my house is just as important as the presence of my garden.

Instead of letting yourself be buffeted by unwanted commercials, take the stand that is best for you. Funny how television becomes so powerful in our culture, and yet it's the individual who holds the on/off switch.

I say this to you this way because I don't think the issue is about your finding the strength to keep taking what to you is abuse from these commercials without acting out. I think the issue is for you to find ways to reduce not your body weight but to reduce the power of what you experience as abusive messages.

And, I wonder, are other forms of abuse coming your way that erode your recovery and sense of personal power?

Give yourself a few weeks with no abusive messages. Let your psychological immune system have a chance to build.

Let me know how you fare. And Happy New Year!

Joanna

I'm not only hit with weight lose commercials on TV. I hear them on the radio (I'm a huge music fan so I'd be lost without hearing new music), on Facebook ads, in the newspaper, and newsstands (I don't even buy or read the magazines! The covers are enough!). We also have a weight watchers work site meeting and they are recruiting for new members.

Not sure if I have other abuses in my life.....I seem to do far more abuse to myself my isolating from those that love me :( But I'll think it over.

Joanna,
it's the pausing and feeling that can be so difficult. When I wrote, "do I really want to get better?", of course I do!
I have Bipolar II disorder, and at times my moods fluctuate without warning. I can do things to try and prevent this, but even when I try, sometimes it doesnt work. I guess the point I was trying to make (and I think I failed) is that for me, nothing will work unless I can lift my depression. Usually this means medication. I can't focus, I can't dig myself out of my depression, I can't will myself out of it. Journaling, meditation, breathing, etc,. are all very good things to do, but these things are not as effective until I am feeling better. I also have a harder time doing the steps of recovery because I just dont have the energy or the motivation. Not to say there haven't been times when I was stable on my meds and still didn't work hard on recovery..because I am stubborn and try to do things my way. It is a big step for me to go back on Depakote. I am proud that I am letting the fear of weight gain take a back seat to the desire to shake this depression (and it has been very bad this past week). Of course having a healthy mind and body is important to me. I think I just meant to say that it will be hard for me to adjust to this medication, and it will be a challenge for me to stay on it if this side effect occurs. I want to make the decision to stay on the medication because I know overall, it's the healthiest decision. I know my recent posts sound very negative, but that is where I have been recently. I hope it is ok to post my feelings (good or sad), I know that I appreciate the support at this time. :)
tracy

Tracy

I for one feel very proud of you for going back on the Depakote, and trying to accept that a little extra weight may be necessary in order to keep yourself in good overall health.

I know you've been having a tough time lately, but I'm rooting for you! x

thanks, shh :)

Going to try the Depakote. Met with my doctor today and we discussed how intensely depressed I feel. I told her that I have weighed the benefits of the medication against the possible side effect of weight gain. This is HUGE for me. But I can't live feeling this depressed. We are going to meet weekly while she titrates the medication and closely monitor how it affects me. I have done so well on the Depakote in the past, so I feel a little more hopeful today that things may improve. My biggest challenge and support needs will be with weight issues that may arise. One day at a time, I guess.
tracy

Dear Tracy,

In my opinion, on or off medication and at whatever your weight, your biggest challenge is working your recovery plan, writing in your journal on a regular basis, getting enough sleep and keeping your body well hydrated, taking time to pause and feel what you feel.

You have to decide what is most important to you: being a certain size no matter the cost? or being healthy of mind and body, letting your body find it's healthy and normal weight.

Please remember, the best beauty treatment is health. The most beautiful is the most healthful. Look around you - not on television or in the movies or magazine - but on the sidewalk, in lines of people at the check out stand, at a baseball game, picking up children from school. Who looks beautiful to you?

thanks shh :)
rooting for you as well !
tracy

Recovery in the beginning meant I used my eating disorder behaviors less often. I didn't get sick enough to need treatment in 50 minutes on Tuesday afternoon. I can't expect to get well in 50 minutes or one week or one month or one year. The point from working in recovery to recovered is a process.

Now as to therapist hopping. I don't recomend it unless there is truly a bad fit.

Each time I changed therapists, I had to start back at the beginning telling my story.

I always wanted to change therapists when I was afraid or in pain. Sticking with it and going through the pain is the only way out of the disease.

I have gone from restricting (400 calories a day) to feeling like I eat all the time. I have recently increased my excercise routine as I am training for a marathon. I am hungry all the time. During the week I do better with controlling my eating. On the weekends its like I cant stop. this is so wearing on my self image. I gain and lose the same 5 lbs every week. I feel like a failure because I am not losing weight. My internal dialogue tells me that I am not trying hard enough, not disciplined enough. I don't want to start purging again, although some suggestions have been made that I am using excercise to counteract calorie consumption. yes, that is a motive for excercise, but truly, the marathon is also a goal for me. I guess what is not normal, is that I ran today on shin splints...but I only ran half my usual distance because I was in too much discomfort. I do feel the need to excercise every day...I don't feel normal if I don't. I am struggling with knowing I should not run tomorrow. I haven't taken a day off since I started training for the marathon. I know all the facts and statistics on overtraining...I just cant seem to apply them to me.
And then there is this horrible depression that I just can't shake. I can't keep going like this. I am trying to incorporate Joanna's suggestions and the suggestions posted by other forum members. I must sound like i contradict myself all the time, because I post how hard I am trying to do better. The fact is, I feel like I am chasing a shadow. and each day that I try and feel defeated is one more day that sets me back and makes me more depressed. I ask myself if I want to recover. Sounds like a stupid question, but really i wonder...wouldn't I be trying harder, doing better? But I just can't shake this depression and i think this is keeping me from moving foward. It is so relentless and so intense. I am so tired from the energy it takes to maintain my rigid thinking and to also look like I am ok to my family and friends. I think if it weren't for my kids, I would just give up. I can't seem to grab and hold onto the rope of recovery. it's like I am jumping up and just missing it. After awhile one gets tired of jumping. i feel so very bad. I am going to talk to my therapist about some med changes when I see her wednesday. I have been on a mood stabalizer before (depakote), and I have great fear of this med as it has a high risk of weight gain. but i remember feeling more even when I was on it. I am so rambling. I am so tiring to you all, I know, and I am so sorry that i never seem to have myself together. I need to find a way to get myself out of this. i totally cannot control my moods.
tracy

Dear Tracy & Melissa

If I could only pass on one message to the two of you, I would say work on being as open and honest with yourself about things as you possibly can be...it is not easy, and we all have an in-built sense of needing to protect ourselves, of course we do, it's how we developed our EDs...but I believe that, that is where recovery begins and progresses from.

When Joanna says put "put beauty in your life and learn to appreciate beauty more deeply in nature and art" it is hard to do that when you aren't accustomed to thinking in such a generous and appreciative way...I found that sometimes I had to take it as fact that something was beautiful, and then search for and consider what it was that made it beautiful, until I could actually comprehend it and see it for myself.

Melissa, I don't think your ED behaviours have to stop entirely to mean that you are making progress ...recovery is not about finding the willpower to abstain from acting out your ED, it's about no longer feeling the need to act out those behaviours - it's a different thing!

Tracy, I think you know that you are using exercise as a substitute for acting out your ED behaviours, but you only admit it to yourself at a superficial level and don't fully accept it, and I understand that, I was addicted to the gym once, I did 3-4 hrs a day, every day, and it had to be EVERY day, and it had to be the WHOLE routine, the guilt if I didn't was unbearable! I'm scared now of going to the gym in case I fall back into the same behaviour.

But you have the power here, to say "you know what, running a marathon is a wonderful thing, but right now, the way I'm inclined to react to training, maybe it's not the right time, maybe getting myself sorted out will be a far more wonderful thing, and will show far more dedication and strength of spirit, than running a marathon would at this point in my life"

And if you planned to run it to raise funds for a charity, maybe think about showing that same level of kindness, compassion & generosity to yourself, you can always find another way of fundraising for your charity.

It doesn't mean you will never run a marathon, you can always run one at some point in the future, but right now, maybe you need to put yourself first?

You can both do it ladies, it's not easy, but the strength is there somewhere, hidden inside of you both!

thanks shh,
I think right now my depression is standing in the way of being able to work on all of this. I keep trying, but failing, because I can't keep my focus or energy going in the direction of what I need to do to get healthy. My intentions are good, I just feel so depressed that I can't keep a positive mindset for very long. I don't think this is something I can help right now. My depression is chemical and situational, but right now I believe the meds aren't working and I don't have much ability to feel good. excercise is reinforcing right now because it is the only thing that gives me peace and a better feeling of well being, for a short period of time..I think due to the endorphins and serotonin and dopamine released. I really need to contact my therapist because i haven't felt this bad in a long time. I don't like the thoughts I am having and need to do something soon. I have felt better before when my meds were working, so I am hoping we can do something quickly.
tracy ~ thanks

thanks shh,
got through the day. I am going to see my therapist wednesday morning. yes, I have been really talking alot and opening up about my abuse. I know it takes a toll, but I think it's important to be able to talk about it. I have noticed that I have been sleeping on my couch the past week...right outside my children's bedroom. I make a fire in my fireplace every night, and initially I think I slept there to monitor those last few sparks...but now when I think about sleeping in my bed, I feel I would just rather be on the couch near my children. I feel comforted by this. PS thanks for your kindness !
TRACY

thank you shh,
I don't feel brave or strong. To the contrary, I feel so defeated. I long to be where I was a few years ago. i had almost 3 years of mood stabalization and was very much in recovery mode with my eating disorder. I remember looking back on my life and wondering why it took me so long to feel better. I have reflected on what I did differently. I know I was on a mood stabalizer at one point, but I also gained a lot of weight on it. So I would have to weigh my options here. I also had started a new job and was enjoying less stress than from my previous position. I had just adopted my girls and the newness of motherhood occupied my time and energy. I have had depression and eating disorders since I was a teen, so I have had frequent relapses on both. I want to feel better, I have felt better and it's great...I just feel like I am in a hole with no ladder or rope. Being on this site and seeing my therapist is like being able to dig my fingernails into the dirt and being able to push myself up...right before the dirt collapses. My therapist has worked with me a very long time. Despite the fact that I have had two overdose attempts in the past, she still trusts me to tell her when I don't think I am doing well. I want to be honest with her tomorrow, but I am afraid she might put me in the hospital. I would NEVER hurt myself again, I would NEVER do that to my kids, it's just a bad place to be when you feel that badly and have to sit with it. It's hell. I am going to talk with her about a residential program and see what she thinks about how that would help me with my eating stuff. But then I can't work out, so ....this all just makes me feel so crazy.
Tracy

Tracy, I've been in that place...where you need a bit of a leg-up to help you make a start on getting out of that hole...it is sooo hard! My heart goes out to you.

I really hope that your therapist can help you figure out the best way forward and help you to get that little leg-up, so that you can start to get a grip and inch your way back out.

Thinking of you!

Tracy, I want to send you some virtual hugs!

You are such a great support to me, and I'm so thankful...I just wish I knew how to support you better in the way you're feeling at the moment.

You have opened up a lot about your grandfather and the abuse lately - and maybe this is taking it's toll on you emotionally? But please never forget you are a brave, strong lady, you are a survivor!

Hope you can get to see your therapist soon and maybe get meds reviewed xx

Dear Melissa,

You sound as if you are in the anguish of confusion that happens in early phases of treatment. Do you like your therapist? Does your therapist have expertise specifically in working with people who have bulimia?

If she does then talk to her about your feelings. You certainly don't want to stay in a bad situation. But you also need to be careful that you don't get into a pattern of purging your treatment opportunities including your therapist.

You ask, "how can I purge and still recover?" The answer is that you use your purging experience as an opportunity to learn what is triggering you and how you can better deal with those triggers.

When you feel the urge to purge, journal. After you purge, journal. Journal in and around every aspect of a purge. Eventually you will see patterns. You will see what kind of situations send you into a binge or purge episode.

Once you get this kind of insight you can begin to take better care of yourself and make some, perhaps challenging, new choices in your life.

Also, effective eating disorder recovery requires that you work with a trustworthy and experienced psychotherapist. But recovery work doesn't only occur in your therapist's office.

Do what you can to expand your weak areas. Take classes. Learn something new. Get better at something you already know. Take yoga classes. Find a spiritual practice that is meaningful to you and be part of that community. Put beauty in your life and learn to appreciate beauty more deeply in nature and in art.

These activities are vital for recovery because they help you develop undeveloped aspects of yourself. The more you develop the less you need an eating disorder to get you through your day.

And yes, talk with your therapist about these things.

Good luck and please write again. Let us know how you are doing.

warm regards,

Joanna

Dear Kym,

Good for you for writing in and staying on your recovery plan! The key to recovery is sticking with your recovery work regardless of how you feel.

Your feelings will change and keep changing. You go for recovery on days when you feel good and days when you feel discouraged or scared or angry.

This is the way you learn how to bear your feelings instead of using your eating disorder to hide from them. The only way to learn to bear you feelings is, well, to bear them, to feel them.
No matter what you feel, the feeling will pass.

Think of any feeling you've ever had in your life. Ask yourself,"Did I have that feeling 24 hours a day every day all my life?"

If you don't like your life you need to be able to make the changes you need that will allow you to live a better life. You can makes those changes when you have the strength that comes with recovery and the creativity that gets freed when you are in recovery.

Feeling sad, bad, mad, hurt, scared, angry and doubts about yourself and your decisions are normal feelings that come and go even though they feel strong and powerful.

You just feel what you feel, honor what you feel and stick to your recovery plan. The more you feel without acting out the more progress you make.

Please keep writing in and let us know how you are doing.

warm regards and congratulations for doing the fine and arduous work that will take you to recovery.

Joanna

I'm feeling better this week. I've learned the word "recovery" is hard for me. It's such a clinical term and gives the perception of measurement. I fear being diagnosed as "recovered" from my ED but still feeling miserable, so I've decided my goal is "to be happy and to have peace of mind." To do that I need to address the many areas of life and my personhood, including eating healthy.

I can also see now that my struggle with "am I committeed to getting better or not" is all part of getting better. Besides the lessons I learned from experiencing and acknowleding my feelings, I have been given the opprotunity to once again make the decision to do this....it's empowering.

Thanks for your words of wisdom and for having this website.....you don't know how many times I've turned to reading your posts instead of doing something self distractive!!

Hi Jakki & Kym

My mother definitely has some mental health issues, although she is not willing to acknowledge them...she is the "normal" one, it's everyone around her that is "wrong" or "abnormal" in some way or other.

Most of my therapy to date has been in some way centred on her or her impact upon my life...sometimes consciously, sometimes inadvertently.

I had a really groundbreaking session a few weeks ago which has really changed me, I did mention it on here...it was the session where I was really struggling, I felt like I was thrashing about in a blind panic, it was like pure anguish. My therapist asked me what I needed from her and I just blurted out that I needed her to tell me whether all the things I'd told her were really real or whether I was actually quite mentally ill and just making it all up.

She reassured me that it was all real!

It was such a relief, my mother has thrown at me so many times how she thinks our dysfunctional relationship is all my fault, and how she feels sorry for me because I'm obviously so mentally deranged, that I'm just making up all these incidents from the past so that I can be a victim and use them to seek attention (which never really made any sense, as I never tell anyone in the real world much detail about my life).

I went home a different person and in the 24hrs following that session, I knew what I needed to do...

..in fact I will copy here, from something I wrote to my T the day after..

"Thankyou for telling me that the things that happened are “really real” yesterday – stupid though it sounds I think part of me clung on to the fact that maybe it was all just me, because if they didn’t really happen, and it was just me, then that meant there was scope to make everything okay between me and my mum.

I think I’m weary now of striving for something that I’m never going to get.....deep down I’ve known for a long time that I’m never going to get it, but I guess that’s as far down the line as I ever get with it – I don’t think I’ve ever dared to venture down the path of coming to terms with it and accepting it, and doing the grieving, and finally being able to let go of it.......but I do need to let go of it, I have to, it’s time to move on now - I can’t stay trapped there forever, (well I could, but I don’t want to.)

All I ever wanted was for her to just accept me and love me for being me without wanting to change me, and just be proud of me and all the things that I am – I’m not all bad, I do have some good points/nice qualities – I think, maybe?

She can’t do it, and I need to accept that she can’t do it – I can’t change it on my own, and she doesn’t even accept that it will take both of us to change things, she still insists that I’m the one who needs to do all the changing – so there isn’t going to be the happy ending that I always held out a tiny glimmer of hope for.

That’s not to say that there won’t be a happy ending.....it will just be a different happy ending, a happy ending about me instead of a happy ending about us (me & my mum)!

But first, I need to try to get my head around it and do my grieving.

All the thinking and going round in circles and raking over incidents from the past, I guess there’s 2 sides to that - there is a big part of me that needs to know why she did some of the things she did, but also I always believed that somehow I’d figure out what it was that I’d done wrong and be able to make it right, and then everything would change, and she’d see that I’m not bad, I’m just different to her, and we’d all live happily ever after.

I’m kind of nearly there now....I’ve fathomed out what I need to do in order to lay things to rest and let it go, and move on.....I just need to do it.

I don’t need my mother’s love and approval to be able to live a fulfilling life – it hurts that I don’t have it.....but I don’t actually need it. (And I believe that accepting that is the way forward for me, well it’s essential for me, or I’m always going to get dragged back to this same point)"

It's so hard...in dealing with the above, I have had to fathom out and accept so much...I'm quite willing to share it, but I don't want to bore you all with the details if you're not interested.

It is so worth it though!
I don't know how or when it happens, but some day, as part of your recovery, you will find the strength and the self-acceptance to deal with the "mum issues"

(((hugs))) to you both xxxx

....I think my parents ineffective coping skills were past on to me;
I think I use ED to cope.

I hear a couple of things can contribute to ED
Brain damage due to early childhood trauma
Genetic predisposition
yo-yo dieting
media
etc.

Maybe if I was reared in a loving-fairly functional home I would not have an eating disorder, who knows...

Well, both of my parents are alcoholics. My mother suffers from anxiety, depression etc. I was taken from her when I was 5. We met up again when I was 18. Difficult relationship. Last time she visited me, she lives in BC, she got arrested for shoplifting and got drunk. She is a nice person...I guess she cant cope with things...memories my presence brings..no formal diagnosis here

Jakki, I was raised by a mother who is bi-polar and seasonally would go off her meds and spend her springs in the state mental hospital. In the last few months of therapy it's coming to my attention how much this affected me as child and atill effects me now. When it's the only world we know as a child, we think of it as "normal." Although I figured out by high school slumber parties that something was different at my house, it hasn't been until very recently that I'm able to stand back and see the "dance" I play with my mom. I have spent my life trying to make her feel better and making sure she's Ok. I recently made a small change to that dance routine by not taking her side during an argument she had with my baby brother. As a result she sent me a 3.5 typed letter telling me how she felt about me and every family member. She did not hold back with her judgemens and opinions. With the help of Harriet Lerner's book "The dance with Intimacy" which talks about family dynamics in families of origin and how to change the dances, I am currently working on a response to her letter which will hopefully not feed into her drama but set boundaries. I have also decided to put a twist on Jenni Schaefers "divorce papers from ED" idea and I'm working on a "dissolution from my perentified role" with her. After I've finished up the paperwork I am going to bring it to my therapy group and in front of the "jury of my peers" I will sign off on it. I know it sounds corney but maybe since you too have a mentally ill mother, you might see the importance of the action. (I also love using humor whereever I can!!)

Jakki, I believe everything negative in our lives, past and present play some kind of role in our ED's and I think it's wise for both of us to take a serious look at what our mothers' illness have done to us.

Thank you for brining this up and sorry I just found it (just read my mother's letter last night, so mahybe I wasn't ready to read it until today!!)

Dear Kellyn,

Congratulations on finding your way to your recovery path. Especially, congratulations on sticking with it and asking for support as you struggle with your uncomfortable feelings.

Recovery takes time and comes in stages. The first stage for you is adding weight so your body as an opportunity to establish normal functioning in every system and in every organ.

Yes, you will feel strange and disrupted. Yes, you will have trouble with what you see in the mirror.

Part of the mirror reflection is what you body is actually experiencing during this transition to health. Part of the mirror reflection is eating disorder perception giving you real distortions in what your see coupled with harsh criticism.

If you can manage it, give yourself a year to fluctuate in mind as well as body. Stick to your
healthy eating and exercise program and decide that your overall health and well being is the highest priority in your life.

If you can do that then you can get some relief from the worry and judgments. Most importantly, you can put your mind on other things that will enrich your life.

By all means write again and let us know how you are doing.

warm regards and congratulations again!

Joanna

Joanna,
is it normal to feel like this recovery process will never really work out?
Is it normal to feel like you are crazy because you do well one day (or for weeks) and then BAM...feel so determined to stop eating. I am so scared to do this. Yes, there have been really good days for me recently. But the past few days have been pretty hard. I feel my clothes getting tighter and it's freaking me out. I look in the mirror and see fat, fat ,fat. I don't like this at all. I feel so stupid that I can't keep my focus going in a positive direction. I mean well. I try so hard. My mind just won't stop turning on me. I feel so confused and angry with myself. I know I write on here way too much, and I plan to slow down some as I feel such a bother. I just don't know what to do to stay on my recovery path...and yes, I am reading HHH, journaling, and working on exercises....sometimes I guess I am my own worst enemy. Sometimes I feel that maybe I am a person that can't be helped. I want to get better, but I don't want to get fat.
Tracy
ps...I seriously plan to stop bothering you so much :)

Tracy...please, please, please, don't ever think that you post so much or that there is something burdensome about using these forums as they were intended, for support! It is a positive sign that you are in a place and strong enough to reach out for the support that you need!

As you know, thesedays I use food to excess rather than restrictively, but I can totally indentify with that "BAM" feeling, where everything's ticking along really nicely and then BAM your ED ways kick back in big time.

What I've found though is that there is usually and underlying reason, but sometimes it's not obvious what it is, and takes a fair bit of fathoming out.

Chin up hun, you are well liked here and offer some really wonderful contributions, that I'm certain are of much help to others, as well as to myself! xx

Hi there Kellyn,
I want to congratulate you on all the progress youve made and support you in your recovery. Let me just also respond to your question of how the weight was gained during recovery. Honestly a big part of any ED is a warped perception. It is hard for us to see clearly who we are when we have these sick ideals imbedded in our minds because of the illness.
As we get older our bodies do change. Im gonna say that Ive been in recovery for about three years now and I wont lie my body is so different, but not in a bad way. My shape has changed, my boobs have grown(silly but true) and I am toned which I never was due to muscle loss. It feels odd at first, I remember feeling uncomfortable, but tht was the ED speaking it wasnt my body that I was uncomfortable with, it was that I was uncomfortable feeling out of control because I was no longer giving into unhealthy habits.
Now a days I am pretty satisfied with my body. I may not be a size zero but I can run a mile like its nothing and I have stamina and an education that I was never able to attain while in ED because I was always sick.
There is more to life than feeling weird about your body. It took a little while, but my body has developed a rhythm after awhile of recovery from unhealthy habbits. There were ups and downs and there still are.
What I am saying dear girl is that you need to keep on keeping on. It seems like you ahve begun to win many battles. Just try and remember how ED is an illness full of lies.
Much support!!

The damage eating disorders cause on the body can be something we have to deal with the rest of our lives. (I have esophogus, digestive problems, chronic dry mouth, and stained teeth - just to name a few.) But the good news is you are getting back to a more healthy way of living and by doing that you will no longer be causing unneccessary damage. Since you are taking the steps to stop now (approx. 3 years in), it's a good chance your body will recover more quickly and avoid some of the more serious long-term side effects. So that is definitely a good thing. Give it time. Rome was not built in a day, right?

Now the best advice I can give and you may think it's trival at this point in your recovery, but it's extremely vital to get yourself interested and focused on other things than your body. Turn your attention outward - there is a whole world out there that could benefit from you and what you have to offer as a person. I know easier said then done, but you can and should do it. Living in an obsessive world of food and body image is far more difficult to experience (and maintain) then getting out there and offering your support to a friend in need or a project needing get be done.

Figure out what interests you and do something in that area - like volunteering, joining a group, attending special events, writing a blog/book, promoting your target interest through fundraising...(endless possibilities). Just get focused on something that brings positive feelings into your heart and takes your mind off of your changing shape. Of course, your body is going to be different then what is was before(when you were sick), but be confident in that being a good thing. That is exactly what you want it to be doing.

The female body has curves. Take Kim Kardashian -beautiful girl, fabulous curvy body, and she's out there doing things and living life. Despite some people's criticism of her lumps and bumps. Who cares what other people think or don't think. Some men love her shape and those who don't love some of other shape - no sweat off her back. Her confidence and self esteem is not dependent on one person's view on her butt. Like my dad always said "Opinions are like azz holes, everybody's got one." LOL

Offering your assistance, gifts/talents, and your intelligence will help you in feeling stronger about who you are and what you have to offer as a person not just a body.

A great book on finding purpose in your life is Victor Frankl's "A Man's Search For Meaning". Powerful book.

Feel free to contact me about brainstorming for ideas on what to do to get focused on life and living it.

Best wishes!!!

Hi John. Kara is very lucky to have you. Many girls and women like her are hurting themselves alone and in silence. You being there for support as well as to hold her accountable will be very important in her recovery. I have read the insightful responses given so far and just wanted to add something that was part of my struggles that I try not to forget. It's not about the weight. It's not about the food or the binging and purging. It's about the way Kara feels about herself. I used my anorexia as a way to punish myself, to deprive myself of whatever it was I thought I was unworthy of. In fact, when circumstances in my life improved, my ED would often get worse because I didn't feel like I deserved them. It sounds like Kara needs in-patient care because she needs to be physically stable first, but emotional trauma is at the root of all of this and I hope you can work thru that together. I wish you both the best. Please take care.

Maybe you'd better ask a doctor to be completely sure about your problem. I think it'll be the best way.

Hi John
I agree with what has been said,it sounds like unfortunately treatment could be the best best option for her,Ive been inpatient a few times and its not nice but sometimes uoi juat cant do it on your own...Im in recovery now.


you sound like an absolute star the way you are supporting her,thats all you can do.
katie
xxxxxx

I could feel your pain and how much you really love Kara to help her. Your doing every effort just to make her healthy. Going through those <a href="http://www.residentialtreatment411.com">residential treatment programs</a> I could say will help you a lot and specially to Kara. Be strong John and don't give up.

Dear John,

What anguish and fear you describe. I'm so sorry you and Kara and her family are in such difficulty.

The questions you ask are all related to phases of eating disorder recovery. With deep and long term work with mental health professionals who are experienced in the field of eating disorders, Kara can make progress.

What concerns me about your post is that going back to residential treatment is seen as a threat and something to be avoided. That may be her best option right now.

But, residential treatment does not give a person all the tools to deal with her eating disorder.
Effective residential treatment can bring a person back from the edge of a crisis so she is capable of doing sustained work on an outpatient basis.

Most residential treatment programs have services for families and actually require parents to attend family therapy sessions before the young patient goes home. These also are not one time events that equip a family for the stresses ahead.
These give a family a base from which to begin developing new goals and new philosophies of parenting that incorporate what a recovery person needs. Ongoing supportive therapy work is often needed and advised for the family as well.

You obviously care very much for Kara. But all the love in the world cannot rally the expertise and sustained effort required to bring her to health. Kara is ill and needs treatment.

For more information and resources you can look at:


Academy for Eating Disorders (AED)
http://www.acadeatdis.org

National Eating Disorders Association
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

I wish you well, John. I hope you get some support for yourself. You are under terrible stress.

warm regards,

Joanna